grief

 I grieve and grieve and grieve

And feel every feeling there is

Trapped inside my ribs

I cry and try to get it out of me

But grief clings to me like a disease

Some days I wish I could rip me open.

 

I write, I cope, I let my heart feel every feeling there is to exist

Until my head has to intervene and tell it to 

either swallow it down or spit it up

but either way, let's move on.

grief like a keychain inside my pocket

I carry it wherever I go

It doesn’t grow tired of haunting me

And it doesn’t get scared.

 

The same way your body dug a hole in the mattress we used to share

your presence 

dug a hole in me.

I try to put into words

feelings I've buried

but naming doesn’t help

I still hope for you to be

the one I tell my good news to

but then I take a look at the person you're becoming

and see nothing but a stranger

that I share memories with.

 

I keep trying to write in your name

apologies that are never sent

cuz you don’t mean them

never mind, addressing them

I keep asking my own self for forgiveness

 

Out of all people I lost

I miss myself the most

Out of all the wakes I skipped

I regret not paying my respects

To my old self

 

For Halloween this year I am dressing up as someone you honestly care about. So what perfume does she wear? Do I need to cut my hair?