For my sake or yours

I’ve written you ten or so letters, to no destination. The person I seek for. only existed inside my dreams. Therapist keeps saying I gotta pull it out of me. How cold always numbs every limb but not grief. and I grieve for the living. 

There is a certain pain when you explain how you feel and the other person just wants to pick a fight. like picking up a coin you saw, pure instinct. I keep reading the dictionary to see if any word bears the pain you left behind when you abandoned this ship. right about to sink. When you love someone so much, some feeling has to linger, right? There is a certain pain when you pour your heart out and lay it on the table, but the other person just tells you to “get over it”. How I’ve never had it in me to grow a pair. And ever since your goodbye I have not had a good night's sleep, only nightmares. And on those days there is no revenge, no blood, just pain. I swallowed the fire that is having no closure. It keeps me up at night. A train that is destined to crash but I can never jump off of. I mourn for her. Can’t forgive myself for not making you stay. when you never wanted to in the first place. and when you looked for every exit, I should’ve pointed out the nearest and held the door open. it triggers me to realize you never loved me. I hope you dream about me, too. I hope you never rest. and I don’t play the girl of your dreams. I hope I’m the exact opposite. and you’ll remember me. Just how I was. The only one who called you on your bullshit.

I go to sleep gladly, knowing I’ll see you. impatient to see what kind of nightmare we’ll be starting, how many times can I put my heart on your bedside table at night, only for you to break it a whole different way when you wake up? You keep on meeting people to see. if you find a replacement for me. I keep avoiding meeting people because I am sure I don’t want to meet you in another man. So may her fit but never fit in.

A friend that had your back until the very end.

this is a letter sent all the way from Hell, written by your dearest friend... that had your back until my very end.

Do words matter if spoken by a ghost? That’s what I became to you after the wake. I just never knew the funeral would be for myself. What were the words you whispered when you left me? “I’ll be here for you until your last breath” I guess you accomplished something for once in your life. I am long gone. Baby, are you sure you looked in every tombstone for the promises I couldn’t keep? Now every cemetery you drive by will give you shivers. reminiscing a love you left for dead. that had so much to reap. Instead of sowing... you buried. Stumbled upon a tragic ending. You are not crazy baby, someone IS talking to you. It’s me. from the grave. We’ve endured more than storms and I have the scars to prove it. We’ve been at war a couple of times. Sometimes by side. The other half, against each other. You got your way, I got mine. no one lost. We just spared a lot. dodged a bullet. Hell is just a painful memory, playing over and over. Like the time you said you didn’t love me anymore. Gut-wrenching, overwhelming anxiety, heard my heart crushed somewhere inside my body. Trapped for all eternity. I’m sure it ain’t funnier on the other line. When you have to pretend. You don’t know what happened to me, either. Confess baby. Tell them you once thought of yourself as a big boy. It’s not what you said that I’ll hold on to. It’s what you didn’t have the balls to do. Is this the way you will remember me? Angry. Disappointed. But not surprised. So be it. All the demons in hell are asking me why didn’t you love me... at least. Enough. To save me. I pretend I have somewhere to suffer instead of there. Will I ever have the courage to explain to them what happened? I am just sorry. I can’t write anything other than pain, regret, departure, burials, wake, longing, disappointment, no good in goodbye. Closing my eyes. Forever. 

parte 1: El insoportable optimismo de ser amante

Back where everything started. If I’m coming down you’re coming with me. Cursed memory. you driving now we switched seats. I never know where you’ll take me. to a cheap motel or Hell. I can't quiet my poems. they scream set me free. whatever that is. A dead lover in my bed. so many poems ago. a dream where you tell me bedtime stories each one more messed up than the last. you don’t get to love me in any. tragic. wait! can we repeat our history? I blinked. I love you. please say it back.  It doesn’t matter how we decorate this ship it’s still sinking. it’s been a year lost at sea. the fire is inside this house. it’s going down to ashes. breathing in the smoke. Dead deer on the side of the road again. That’s two this month. It’s bad luck from where I am. don’t come back from where you’re hiding. you don’t love the way I call you. you only love your name. I can’t reach my bed anymore it’s too tall from all the memories I keep hiding under it. if you only call at night can it always be nighttime?. Baby, I’m your favorite nightmare. tried to change but never worked in my favor. say you’re sorry but mean it this time. all I've done was worry. I can imagine if I never met you. my notes would be empty. I’ll never leave this house even if its roof left me already. I hate wondering where you sleep. I need you to come home tonight. or tomorrow. swallow these butterflies while looking at me. I drink tequila shots now. the bartender said it would help. yes, I’m still here. I want to hear you say my name. not just an echo of it. I wonder what it’s like to call someone and not hear frustration in their voices. the story went on without me. You fell in love with the person I was pretending to be. My character is over. anytime someone asks how am I. I have to check on my pulse. to see if there’s still a heartbeat. have been sick for so long. everyone stopped visiting. lullabies that I don’t know the words to. went skinny dipping at the lake where your heart used to be. nothing but a void filled with tears. you shut my eyes and asked me to look on the bright side. then got angry I could not understand. know the definition of ‘broken’ by heart. coughing smoke from the fire. someone called my name. but I’m just what is left. a movie about endings only. it’s been one of these days every day. you sleepwalk. every night I have to stop you from digging your own grave in the backyard. and drag you to bed. It’s always time to sleep if you’re depressed enough. 

R