I’ve written you ten or so letters, to no destination. The person I seek for. only existed inside my dreams. Therapist keeps saying I gotta pull it out of me. How cold always numbs every limb but not grief. and I grieve for the living.
There is a certain pain when you explain how you feel and the other person just wants to pick a fight. like picking up a coin you saw, pure instinct. I keep reading the dictionary to see if any word bears the pain you left behind when you abandoned this ship. right about to sink. When you love someone so much, some feeling has to linger, right? There is a certain pain when you pour your heart out and lay it on the table, but the other person just tells you to “get over it”. How I’ve never had it in me to grow a pair. And ever since your goodbye I have not had a good night's sleep, only nightmares. And on those days there is no revenge, no blood, just pain. I swallowed the fire that is having no closure. It keeps me up at night. A train that is destined to crash but I can never jump off of. I mourn for her. Can’t forgive myself for not making you stay. when you never wanted to in the first place. and when you looked for every exit, I should’ve pointed out the nearest and held the door open. it triggers me to realize you never loved me. I hope you dream about me, too. I hope you never rest. and I don’t play the girl of your dreams. I hope I’m the exact opposite. and you’ll remember me. Just how I was. The only one who called you on your bullshit.
I go to sleep gladly, knowing I’ll see you. impatient to see what kind of nightmare we’ll be starting, how many times can I put my heart on your bedside table at night, only for you to break it a whole different way when you wake up? You keep on meeting people to see. if you find a replacement for me. I keep avoiding meeting people because I am sure I don’t want to meet you in another man. So may her fit but never fit in.
