part 4: VOICEMAIL

 Hey, I was just calling to ask if you got home safe. I know it’s Saturday at 3 am and we haven’t spoken in months, I just got a hunch that you were going out and thought to ask. and yes... I know it’s been a while since I’m the designated one. I am fine, thank you for not caring. It’s been a long time I think I’m finally healing but then I get this urgent feeling. I want you to know how I’ve been doing. When you think of the bigger picture. Maybe it is for the greater good that you haven’t called. But I just wish you’d done already. I came to that bench that used to be our spot by the park. How you called and we never asked where should we meet. Our hearts led. I found a lot of things to look forward to. My best friends’ birthday, my newborn niece, the re-recording of a favorite album of mine… but in all these circumstances your shadow lingers. I still save you a seat during the holidays. I still send your Fathers way a gift on Xmas. Although I know you changed address a long time ago. You flew. I see us. in every problem I get to know about other couples. I picture you in my head. What would I have said if I thought this through? Why didn’t I leave when I still had it in me to begin with? So many questions in my head I’ll never get an answer to. But I deserve someone who will listen. Voicemail again. Are you okay? Did your bruise ever fade? Did you ever buy those headphones you so desperately wanted? So many questions I never got the chance to ask. Poems written by my own hand. In between each Voicemail. I remember it all. How you said you’d call. You’d return one out of the thousands of calls I have made. It always was a one-way ticket to you. I never came back the same.

November 17th, 2021

grief

 I grieve and grieve and grieve

And feel every feeling there is

Trapped inside my ribs

I cry and try to get it out of me

But grief clings to me like a disease

Some days I wish I could rip me open.

 

I write, I cope, I let my heart feel every feeling there is to exist

Until my head has to intervene and tell it to 

either swallow it down or spit it up

but either way, let's move on.

grief like a keychain inside my pocket

I carry it wherever I go

It doesn’t grow tired of haunting me

And it doesn’t get scared.

 

The same way your body dug a hole in the mattress we used to share

your presence 

dug a hole in me.

I try to put into words

feelings I've buried

but naming doesn’t help

I still hope for you to be

the one I tell my good news to

but then I take a look at the person you're becoming

and see nothing but a stranger

that I share memories with.

 

I keep trying to write in your name

apologies that are never sent

cuz you don’t mean them

never mind, addressing them

I keep asking my own self for forgiveness

 

Out of all people I lost

I miss myself the most

Out of all the wakes I skipped

I regret not paying my respects

To my old self

 

For Halloween this year I am dressing up as someone you honestly care about. So what perfume does she wear? Do I need to cut my hair? 

All's well that ends.. well, bad.

Today I visited the cemetery
Where our love rests
6 ft under
Nonchalant lands.

It’s been so long, even trees started to grow around
But nothing flourished from the barren ground that covers it.
Nothing ever did
Not love, nor trust
Not a relationship.

It told me that even underneath
It hasn’t rested in peace
I had such hope for it.
Some nights it haunts boys
That never make up their mind
Just like you never did
And it haunted you for the rest of your life.

somehow the memory
looks like me, dancing alone
“Everyone is moving on and life doesn’t stop... maybe you should too”
Maybe I should too.

My heart, the soil
Your words, much needed water
a serious drought
You ain’t coming... back
At least to claim what’s yours
At least to return my pride.

You wear your conquests around your neck
#1 in destroying girls’ hopes
and there’s where my pride hangs on.
Bury the hatchet but I keep a map to where I put it.

What for was all about?
The mouse, the cat, the hunting
The car, the parking lot, the racing
The lovemaking, the passion, the longing
Alls well that ends, well... bad.
________________________________________________________________________
I kept visiting the grave
Until one day
I had to remind myself:
Nothing ever resurrects
not people, not love, not relationships.

So maybe it’s okay if my wounds stay open
Some things are meant to stay that way.
Poems stuck into my brain
like tattoos into the skin,
I can't wash away promises engraved.

And maybe it’s okay if I sleep alone now,
no one ever returns 
even if they come back.
How many times can you visit a tomb?
Before you realize: It’s too late.

For my sake or yours

I’ve written you ten or so letters, to no destination. The person I seek for. only existed inside my dreams. Therapist keeps saying I gotta pull it out of me. How cold always numbs every limb but not grief. and I grieve for the living. 

There is a certain pain when you explain how you feel and the other person just wants to pick a fight. like picking up a coin you saw, pure instinct. I keep reading the dictionary to see if any word bears the pain you left behind when you abandoned this ship. right about to sink. When you love someone so much, some feeling has to linger, right? There is a certain pain when you pour your heart out and lay it on the table, but the other person just tells you to “get over it”. How I’ve never had it in me to grow a pair. And ever since your goodbye I have not had a good night's sleep, only nightmares. And on those days there is no revenge, no blood, just pain. I swallowed the fire that is having no closure. It keeps me up at night. A train that is destined to crash but I can never jump off of. I mourn for her. Can’t forgive myself for not making you stay. when you never wanted to in the first place. and when you looked for every exit, I should’ve pointed out the nearest and held the door open. it triggers me to realize you never loved me. I hope you dream about me, too. I hope you never rest. and I don’t play the girl of your dreams. I hope I’m the exact opposite. and you’ll remember me. Just how I was. The only one who called you on your bullshit.

I go to sleep gladly, knowing I’ll see you. impatient to see what kind of nightmare we’ll be starting, how many times can I put my heart on your bedside table at night, only for you to break it a whole different way when you wake up? You keep on meeting people to see. if you find a replacement for me. I keep avoiding meeting people because I am sure I don’t want to meet you in another man. So may her fit but never fit in.

A friend that had your back until the very end.

this is a letter sent all the way from Hell, written by your dearest friend... that had your back until my very end.

Do words matter if spoken by a ghost? That’s what I became to you after the wake. I just never knew the funeral would be for myself. What were the words you whispered when you left me? “I’ll be here for you until your last breath” I guess you accomplished something for once in your life. I am long gone. Baby, are you sure you looked in every tombstone for the promises I couldn’t keep? Now every cemetery you drive by will give you shivers. reminiscing a love you left for dead. that had so much to reap. Instead of sowing... you buried. Stumbled upon a tragic ending. You are not crazy baby, someone IS talking to you. It’s me. from the grave. We’ve endured more than storms and I have the scars to prove it. We’ve been at war a couple of times. Sometimes by side. The other half, against each other. You got your way, I got mine. no one lost. We just spared a lot. dodged a bullet. Hell is just a painful memory, playing over and over. Like the time you said you didn’t love me anymore. Gut-wrenching, overwhelming anxiety, heard my heart crushed somewhere inside my body. Trapped for all eternity. I’m sure it ain’t funnier on the other line. When you have to pretend. You don’t know what happened to me, either. Confess baby. Tell them you once thought of yourself as a big boy. It’s not what you said that I’ll hold on to. It’s what you didn’t have the balls to do. Is this the way you will remember me? Angry. Disappointed. But not surprised. So be it. All the demons in hell are asking me why didn’t you love me... at least. Enough. To save me. I pretend I have somewhere to suffer instead of there. Will I ever have the courage to explain to them what happened? I am just sorry. I can’t write anything other than pain, regret, departure, burials, wake, longing, disappointment, no good in goodbye. Closing my eyes. Forever. 

parte 1: El insoportable optimismo de ser amante

Back where everything started. If I’m coming down you’re coming with me. Cursed memory. you driving now we switched seats. I never know where you’ll take me. to a cheap motel or Hell. I can't quiet my poems. they scream set me free. whatever that is. A dead lover in my bed. so many poems ago. a dream where you tell me bedtime stories each one more messed up than the last. you don’t get to love me in any. tragic. wait! can we repeat our history? I blinked. I love you. please say it back.  It doesn’t matter how we decorate this ship it’s still sinking. it’s been a year lost at sea. the fire is inside this house. it’s going down to ashes. breathing in the smoke. Dead deer on the side of the road again. That’s two this month. It’s bad luck from where I am. don’t come back from where you’re hiding. you don’t love the way I call you. you only love your name. I can’t reach my bed anymore it’s too tall from all the memories I keep hiding under it. if you only call at night can it always be nighttime?. Baby, I’m your favorite nightmare. tried to change but never worked in my favor. say you’re sorry but mean it this time. all I've done was worry. I can imagine if I never met you. my notes would be empty. I’ll never leave this house even if its roof left me already. I hate wondering where you sleep. I need you to come home tonight. or tomorrow. swallow these butterflies while looking at me. I drink tequila shots now. the bartender said it would help. yes, I’m still here. I want to hear you say my name. not just an echo of it. I wonder what it’s like to call someone and not hear frustration in their voices. the story went on without me. You fell in love with the person I was pretending to be. My character is over. anytime someone asks how am I. I have to check on my pulse. to see if there’s still a heartbeat. have been sick for so long. everyone stopped visiting. lullabies that I don’t know the words to. went skinny dipping at the lake where your heart used to be. nothing but a void filled with tears. you shut my eyes and asked me to look on the bright side. then got angry I could not understand. know the definition of ‘broken’ by heart. coughing smoke from the fire. someone called my name. but I’m just what is left. a movie about endings only. it’s been one of these days every day. you sleepwalk. every night I have to stop you from digging your own grave in the backyard. and drag you to bed. It’s always time to sleep if you’re depressed enough. 

R

parte 2: Location: the gates of your heart

tell us why they say. first time never counts. but for you, it’s the only one that did. How your bad dreams are. you standing halfway at the bridge you once gave away your first kiss. only to find out it burned. Some things we write to keep alive. sometimes paper it’s the only graveyard I can afford. we learn to live with the expectations on our shoulders. no wonder why moving on is a question. it’s not hard. it’s heavy. Someday we will be refugees too. we ran out of second chances. Don’t say the L word. I tried to write to you. but I don’t think you’ll be getting any letters in Hell. I’ll confess my sins if God puts a plea bargain on the table. I have a thing for men whose hands shake while praying. I leave a piece of me in any place I feel sad in. my lies follow me to every town. a little dose of drama to spice things. Used to fuck things up. your heart like a ticking bomb. each beat it takes. I feel it’ll set it off. don’t talk about forever when you can’t even stay the night. I’m future-blind. they say when you can’t see the future you’re bound to die. Have been trying to contact you. maybe I got the number wrong. or the phones are way too busy in hell. either way, I’ll stop. You wouldn’t have wanted me to understand. that not all birds sing happy songs. not all princesses get a happy ending. the body buried in your backyard... babe it is just a symptom. What’s your illness?. I’m sorry but. who started the rumor that time heals everything? It should be almost anything. it should be ‘when it wants to’. cuz time stretches its hours... just to see you cry. you wake up. suddenly you are on the same bridge. you once gave true love's kiss. the love you felt. also the fear. tell us why the love faded. but the fear stayed in. Past the invitation. I stood @ the gates of your heart for so long. I’m sorry they never opened for me. r